Two disturbing news items recently crossed my desk. The first reports that LEED (Leadership in Energy and Environmental Design) certification -- the gold standard for green buildings -- has been given to buildings that are not in fact energy efficient.

A building can be designed on paper to be LEED-certified, but the way it's actually constructed and operated can strip from it any sort of genuine environmental credibility. Some experts propose giving LEED certification only after a building has been occupied for some years, as a way of proving its energy efficiency.

In other bad news, an internal audit by the U.S. Department of Energy discovered that the coveted Energy Star label has been bestowed upon appliances that aren't really energy efficient.

The Energy Star program is in the spotlight now because the Obama administration has earmarked $300 million in rebates to consumers who buy Energy Star products.

What the hell is going on here? The LEED program has come under fire for years by architects and contractors as a rather cumbersome process bedeviled by bureaucratic ineptitude. And kudos to the Energy Department for discovering this reality gap on their own.

But certifications like these need to be trustworthy, or consumers will lose faith in the programs, the government, and soon the whole fabric of Western civilization will unravel. Or something like that.

Let's tighten up our game, folks, or we'll all lose the race to true energy independence.

When I was a kid, I used to play with the shiny little balls of mercury in our bathroom drawer. A thermometer must have broken in there, and all that was left were these goofy little balls that moved when you squished them with your finger. Then the little liquid balls would regroup into a larger ball, and you could squish it again and again and again.

Neurotoxins are fun, mommy!

The thought of playing with mercury as a young child reminds me of something you'd see on a Saturday Night Live skit (remember the kid's toy named "Bag o' Glass"?). So why then are smart, conscientious people filling their homes with mercury?

Mercury comes in the Trojan horse of compact fluorescent lamps, or CFLs. Sure, they're great if you swear to never, EVER throw one away. Instead, old CFLs must be recycled at a facility that handles hazardous wastes. (Quick -- where is your nearest haz-mat facility? I don't know either.)

Also, if one breaks, the clean-up procedures are ridiculous: Ventilate the room, wear heavy rubber gloves, a face mask, etc.

Though I love the concept of a highly efficient CFL, the reality of mercury contamination is a deal-breaker. Instead, look into these safe, energy-saving alternatives.

Love him or hate him, it's hard to argue with the influence that Al Gore has had over the green movement. From his 2006 documentary An Inconvenient Truth to his Nobel Peace Prize, Gore has become the poster boy for all things green.

And it's paying off in spades, according to a recent New York Times article. His savvy investments in alternative energy, bio-fuels, sustainable fish farming and electric vehicles have helped the former senator and vice-president to amass a immense personal fortune.

Who knew that putting your money where your mouth is could be so profitable?

What will happen to you when you die? Not in a metaphysical sense, but in a practical, earthly way. Will you be embalmed with chemicals and buried in a bulletproof metal casket? There are other options, you know.

Green burials are attracting attention from folks worldwide, and a few truly adventurous souls are opting for promession, a new procedure from Sweden that basically freeze-dries a human body. The remaining pink, crumbly pieces can be buried as a nutrient-rich fertilizer, over which a tree or shrub is planted. (Now you know the origin of the old phrase "feed the tree.")

Happy Halloween and Dia de los Muertos, everyone!